Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
