Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
