Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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