The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
