Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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