I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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