Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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