i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
