I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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