Define "chronic" masturbator.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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