did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
