Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
