How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
