one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
