Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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