She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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