We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
