I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
