I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
