there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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