Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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