a queef is a wish your heart makes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
BRING THE BAGELS
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
