he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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