god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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