Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
