I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
