I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
