No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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