we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He shit in the fireplace
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
