I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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