just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
