my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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