id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
