Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
