my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
