just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
