So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
