MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Alive.
So much puke
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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