When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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