When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
