Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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