Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it's like iHOP with fire
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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