when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
