Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
