This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
