You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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