Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
