Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
