How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
