I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
