My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
