idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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