ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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