Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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