a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
