You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
